It’s not about the 5 stages of grief, but waves and circles:

You’ve just experienced the most shattering event, someone close to you has died. You are totally overwhelmed with grief, sadness, anger and fear and wondering when you are going to get over this and start to feel ‘normal’ again? You’ve heard of the 5 stages of grief, you’ve googled them and identified which one you are in. Or maybe you feel like they don’t make sense as you aren’t ‘getting through’ them like you should.

I’m here to tell you something, the ‘5 stages of grief’ aren’t stages at all. In fact Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (1969) in her book In Death and Dying, developed her model to describe people with terminal illness facing their own death, NOT for those of us left behind facing the loss of a loved one. Grief is not a linear process, it is not something you get through and pop out the other end feeling fine again. How can it be, you have just had your world flipped upside down and everything in it feels so different without the person who meant so much to you. So if i’m not going to go through the stages, what is it then i hear you ask?

When working with my clients we have found it more helpful to think of grief as a spiral 🌀 or waves 🌊.

Emotions such as anger, sadness, despair, shock, denial, happiness, and relief may come and go as time goes on. Some days may feel better than others, some months you may feel like all is well, and then, bam 💥, it hits you again. The pieces of grief overlap and mix together, without a real ending point for any of them. Instead of a straight line through grief, it feels much more like we're going in circles. We experience the most intense feelings, which then back off a little — for a while. And then the intense feelings return.

But even when we feel many of the same feelings again and again, there is a change, an improvement, over time. We're not just going in circles, getting nowhere. We might be going in and out of more and less intense feelings, but this improvement over time produces an upward spiral path for our grief.

That’s why I stress the importance of actively engaging in the grief process by exploring and expressing one's emotions, thoughts, and memories. This may involve seeking support from others, participating in grief counselling or therapy, and engaging in self-reflection.

Crucially, finding meaning in grief plays an important role. I believe that you can create meaning through your attitudes, beliefs, and actions. This may involve searching for the lessons and insights that can be gained from the loss even when it feels like it makes no sense, reevaluating priorities and values, and seeking personal growth and transformation.

If you are struggling to come to terms with a loss and would like to hear more about how I work with this, click here